How the Paradox of Choices is Making You a Bad Date
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Barry Schwartz describes in his book The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less beautifully, “Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.”
Do you even know the number of dating apps which are used in America? The nation is becoming addicted to them more than ever and according to a survey by Pew Research Center in the past two years, the number of people using the dating apps has tripled which means more and more people are coming towards this way of finding the right partner.
But the question to be addressed here is that do these apps even help in finding a partner let alone the right one? Are people only looking for one night stands and have given the hope of finding someone with whom they can actually think of spending their lives with?
There is no denying the fact that Americans look up to celebrity couples because of the picture perfect lives they enact and whenever they hear of a breakup, their idea of love falls apart. The same must have happened with a lot of people who heard about the recent Brangelina break up.
Believe it or not but the notion of love has changed greatly with the millennials. They have false expectations and high hopes before getting into a relationship which ultimately becomes the cause of a breakup. Do you think that having so many choices actually increase the chances of being a bad date? If put correctly, it definitely is and here’s why:
Being Too Picky
If you are talking to more than one person and find yourself being attracted to all of them at once, then the chances of you being confused and indecisive are increased manifolds. The issue does not start with you being too choosy, it actually starts because you have a lot of choices and you need to weigh the pros and cons.
This is when the problem starts. You go on a date with a person not because you want to have some quality time but because you want to see is he better than the other men you are talking to. You like different aspects of different people and end up being in a dilemma on whom to choose. Even if you choose one, their good traits start losing their charm soon enough causing you to end what had merely started. That does not make them a bad date.
Ridiculously High Expectations
The choices actually tend to make you find that one person who is absolutely perfect. He needs to have all the qualities which are found in different men and must have some class because that is only how he can make you stay with him for a longer period of time. There is no concept of falling in love with the imperfections because the world is full of them and no one is interested in being with someone who has flaws, no matter how flawed they themselves are.
Uncertainty and Confusion
Second guessing is unbelievably prevalent. Even if you have found yourself one gem of a person, you’ll keep thinking whether that person is actually the right choice for you. People have become so skeptical and conscious that all the good things make them question if they are real or not.
Too much choice has definitely created confusion among the masses because they don’t believe what they see and they don’t get to see the things in which they really believe. There is always a fear of settling down and assuming that one could have made a better choice. The prospect of likeness and love has totally vanished because people are being more judgmental during a date rather than enjoying some good time. “Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others,” says Wayne Dyer, a renowned American motivational speaker and a self-author. The truth being that the more choices you have, the unhappier you’ll be in a relationship because you’ll always be thinking that you might have made a more fulfilling choice.
Lack of Trust
When you have numerous choices, the other person is also in the same situation, obviously. While second guessing your own feelings for the other person, you’ll also be reluctant whether the other person really loves you or not. The distress of the love fading away will always be there and the fear of being cheated on will never leave you.
“I remember one desolate Sunday night, wondering: Is this how I’m going to spend the rest of my life? Married to someone who is perpetually distracted and somewhat wistful, as though a marvelous party is going on in the next room, which but for me he could be attending?” Suzanne Finnamore has beautifully explained these feelings in her award-winning, best-selling book Split : A Memoir of Divorce.
There is no way that a person will be fully sure that the other person is in love with her or not. This gives rise to numerous problems and the date her or himself actually takes a second priority because of your apprehensions and lack of conviction.
Even if things work out on a date then always suspecting the other person of being with someone else will make you a bad date and the bubble of a happy, contented life will burst sooner or later.
Low Level of Happiness
It is actually very difficult to date in the era of so many dating apps because no matter what choice you make, in the end, you’ll always be thinking that you might have made a better move. This will cause low levels of happiness and satisfaction in a relationship causing you to consider the other options. In summation, you’ll see yourself being caught in the vicious cycle of despondency and depression, and wonder why people fail at finding happiness.
The idea of a happy relationship will be nothing but a myth because you’ll fail to understand the positive side of a person and will only be considering the negative aspects. Finding the right person is not a matter of a good or bad date, but will only become more difficult for you when you end up with no one to contend with.
Decades ago, people used to marry someone from their elementary or high school. They might even find their soulmate living a few blocks away from where they lived and the chance of them ending up in a divorce was very low as well. This is because they were happy with what they had and helped each other in overcoming the flaws.
Dating has become far more complex today because of the paradox of choices. People are judgmental of the other person thinking that they can always get a better option while in reality, all the options are unsatisfactory for them. According to Francesca Annis, “However successful you are, there is no substitute for a close relationship. We all need them.” She is so right because what good is our financial and career success if we are not stable in our personal lives?