The day for every average man and woman on this planet starts the same way, and most may not even be aware of it. They get out of bed, wear their slippers, and begin doing everything in their power to not mess up the relationships they have around them.
May it be a marriage, friendship, relationship, or even addiction, all of them run on one straight rule: don’t do anything that would make things go haywire–or rather continue doing everything that would keep things going the way they are.
Acknowledging your responsibility for playing your role in keeping a relationship going is necessary, but there is a thin line between fulfilling obligations and overcoming codependency. What is codependency, how to fix it, and is it that easy, especially after a breakup or during addiction recovery? This guide looks into precisely that.
Let us delve into the ways to overcome codependency and how it may be ruining your relationships without you even realizing it.
What is Codependency?
Codependency in relationships is quite simple: it is when one partner makes the other the center of the universe, believing that they cannot live without them no matter the circumstances. Although this thought alone is not that scary, real codependency is dealing with everything a partner subjects you to maintain in your relationship with them. This may range from trivial matters–such as your partner never picking up your kids from school or helping clean the house, to serious matters, such as mental and physical violence.
Simply speaking, codependent partners willingly endure everything their partner subjects them to retain their relationship. They completely disregard their self-worth, calculating it in terms of their partner only, and tend to find it hard to find motivation for themselves. So codependency is not just a state of affairs but is rather an addiction.
So if you are wondering how to fix codependency, the answer lies here.
Codependency: How To Overcome It?
If you are in a codependent relationship, you may be wondering whether steps to overcome codependency exist. The answer is, thankfully, a big yes. Codependency may be an addiction, but it is not something you cannot free yourself from.
Although it may not be easy, let us look at how to overcome codependency forever.
Day 1 To 15: Understanding Codependency
This may seem like a paradox, but you will have to learn more about codependency to get rid of it in as little as 100 days. This is one of the most critical steps to overcome codependency: you cannot understand your condition until learn about it.
This requires getting real and honest with yourself for the first fifteen days and watching the magic unfold.
To get better, you need to realize your crippling fear of losing your partner and the fact that you constantly crave their approval and attention.
You will also have to recognize that you undermine yourself to let them shine, may they be your partner, best friend, or lover. You walk on eggshells around them and metamorphose your personality into someone who they would like. You are always trying to make sure that everyone likes everything about you.
Although these may be painful realizations, they are critical in taking the first step to recovery. Just as diagnosis is essential for medication, realizing such things about yourself can help you gauge your level of codependency and take appropriate remedial measures.
So try to get as much time to yourself in the first 15 days to understand what codependency is, and how it manifests itself in your relationship.
Day 15 To 35: Discovering Your Attachment Style
People in codependent relationships have certain attachment styles. Although these styles develop during childhood, they play a significant role in how we interact and manage adult relationships.
Codependent individuals typically have an insecure attachment style, which makes them undermine themselves, grow a fear of abandonment, and even act clingy.
Realizing your attachment style can be difficult, but it helps you understand your role in a relationship. Once you know how you act, you can remedy the unhealthy codependent behavioral patterns. So your second goal of overcoming codependency in a 100-day journey is to spend twenty days trying to understand and identify your attachment behavior.
Becoming more understanding of your behavior does not mean you have to become more self-conscious: it simply means understanding yourself from an external viewpoint.
Attachment styles can also help you identify potential triggers for your unhealthy behavior.
Let us look at the four attachment style types to help you understand which fits best on your relationship:
- Disorganized-insecure (unhealthy)
- Avoidant-insecure (unhealthy)
- Anxious-insecure (unhealthy)
- Secure (healthy)
Try to classify your behavior in the above four categories. If you have a lot going on in the first category, there is nothing to be worried about; it only means you have more to fix!
Day 35 To 85: Setting Boundaries And Enforcing Them
You can fix your codependent behavior in as little as 100 days by finally taking action over your boundaries not being respected. But for that, it is important to have robust boundaries in place.
These boundaries show how you view yourself and how you wish to be treated in a relationship. Although they should ideally be set up in the initial days of a relationship, there is no reason why you cannot reinforce them along the way.
Healthy boundaries can help you become independent and reduce the stress level of your life. This can be one of the hardest steps to overcome the codependency journey, which is why it is important to give yourself time and take baby steps along these fifty days.
However, setting healthy boundaries requires you to question yourself.
- What makes you happy?
- What makes you angry and irritated?
- When do you feel disrespected?
- Do you feel like a certain someone does not value you?
- Do you have adequate time for yourself every day?
Answer such questions honestly, and take action based on the answers.
For instance, communicate your feelings to your partner if you do not feel respected during a fight. If they continue their disrespectful behavior, remove yourself from the situation–no matter how hurtful that may feel–and relocate to an environment where you are respected, even if the only one around you is yourself.
You may spend the first 40 days setting boundaries and ensuring that they are respected, and the last 10 days for action if they are not. You never need a lot of time to leave the scene if you are not respected, but it is important to put in the effort in the first place before abandoning everything.
The following steps can help you establish boundaries in relationships and enforce them as well:
- Identify the situations that make you uncomfortable or unhappy
- Determine where you wish to draw the line
- Communicate the plan of action you want your relationship to take
- Communicate the consequences of someone not respecting your boundaries
- Don’t hesitate to go through with the said consequences if your boundaries are not respected
Day 85 to 100: Take Out Time For Yourself
Forcing yourself to become less codependent magically is not the way to go about life. Instead, a better way is to take baby steps towards independence, like spending quality time with yourself.
You will automatically become less codependent if you become independent and content with your own company. That is why spending the last 15 days of your 100-day journey with yourself is the most important step in overcoming codependency.
Here are a few things you can do to derive that level of happiness from your company:
- Take a breather and think about the things that you always wanted to do alone
- Renew dormant friendships that you have been neglecting
- Become more social
- Connect with new and positive people who match your energy and frequency
These 15 days are only the beginning: once you get used to your own company, there is no stopping your potential!
Summing Up
Overcoming codependency may sound impossible, but it is not as difficult as your mind tells you. You cannot become independent without growing your self-esteem, but that does not mean you must always be strong.
It is okay to cry and break down along the way in these 100 days; no one said they were going to be a piece of cake.
Similarly, getting out of codependency does not mean saying goodbye to all meaningful relationships and living a solitary life; it means establishing healthy boundaries that do not undermine your identity as a person.
Although having friendships and relationships you can rely on is essential, nothing is worth more than your worth and value. So the first step to becoming independent lies in realizing which relationships add value to your life and which eliminate it.
Give yourself 100 days, and you are bound to undergo a Cinderella-like makeover to become a completely new and independent person!